So the thought has entered my head several times over the past couple of weeks and I don’t really know what to make of it.
I am getting older.
My friends and I discussed our thoughts and emotions behind abortion, the Chick fil a debate, the election, taxes, ROTH IRAs, school funding, student loans, wedding budgets, and all these other things. THIS IS WHAT OLD PEOPLE TALK ABOUT. I am discussing how to start my own business and how to get a book published and what agencies look for and if it is smarter to take out loans now and begin building my ROTH IRA or whatever. I discuss interest rates and losing weight. I talk about Paleo foods and heart rate and blood pressure. I talk about the shooting in Aurora and airline prices.
WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN? I listen to adults talk about how quickly their children grow up. I am here to say that the children are FREAKING OUT about how quickly we grow up.
Why am I not discussing how cute Andrew looked in The Amazing Spider Man? Or watching Grey’s Anatomy re-runs? Or sitting and coloring in a coloring book with my little sister. HOW did this happen? Why am I WORRIED? Children don’t worry. I listen to Maren and Nicky argue about which wizard is the best on a specific video game and I simply envy it. They have no idea I am listening and they have no idea how jealous I am or what I would give to be that little again.
So today I sit. In the shocking realization that I am not little anymore. I have been waiting for this feeling probably since my 18th birthday. But today was the day that I cried because all I wanted to play outside with no shoes on. I don’t want to floss or take vitamins or research tax information. I want to eat cookies. LOTS of cookies. And milk. I want the kitchen to be a mess and let someone else deal with it. And more importantly I want to sing. I want to stand on the back porch with my arms open wide and just sing. I’ll sing anything my heart desires from One Direction to Jesus songs. Just let me sit, sing, and be carefree for one more day. Let me be little.
I sit alone in my bedroom. The kids have been tucked into bed and the lights are off in the house. Everything within me is dying to just go to bed. After the long day of visitors and large dogs and a terribly beating workout I find my eyelids getting heavier by the moment. But in the quiet I hear Him. He calls to me. Not begging, but requesting my attention be turned to Him. In this moment I have to decide. Am I going to spend time with Him? After a long pause, I decide I will gather my strength and sit with the LORD. I just pray I don’t fall asleep.
My prayer begins and I am speechless. What do you say to the Man who made it all? Where do you begin? I thank Him for the many things I never deserve. Listing them one by one. Then I open my bible to the Psalms. I find myself eye-to-eye with Psalm 111. “Great are the works of the LORD; they are pondered by all who delight in them… The works of His hands are faithful and just… He provided the redemption for His people; He ordained His covenant forever - holy and awesome is His name.…”
I reach verse 9 where these bolded words are written and I think to myself. HOW could I NOT sit in the presence of the Mighty King?! HOW could I DOUBT that His time with me is SO IMPORTANT and SO WORTH IT. WHY would I EVER pass up this opportunity? … But yet I do. More often than I would like to admit. The day goes by and my heart had wondered.
My Mother has often reminded me, “If you feel distant from God remind yourself who moved.“
So in this moment folks. I ask you to remember the holiness and the majesty of our God. If today was a day you weren’t willing to sit and be still. I am reminding you. It’s worth it.
I am walking up the stairs; my arms filled with toys and books and clutter from today’s activities. I am frustrated and tired of looking after children. I am tired of raising my voice and feeling unheard. “I am so over them.” I think to myself. I pause. I heard it. Just now, on the stairwell. I hold my breath. He has won me over in this moment. The feeling isn’t strong enough to be The Enemy himself, but merely one of his helpers. “Go away.” I say out loud. Owen passes by me with a confused look, but I ignore him. I cannot lose track of this one until I know it is gone. “Go away,” I repeat.
I think back through my day. It had been with me for most of it. Distracting me, negatively impacting me, doing all it knows how to keep me from clinging to the holiness of Christ. When I was washing dishes I began to sing praises, but then got distracted by the song on the radio. I went to take photos of the LORD’s painted flowers, but then Appa needed my attention. I wanted to play with Maren and embrace her like Christ embraces me, but I had too harsh of a headache. It had been succeeding all day. Until I noticed it while walking up these stairs. It caught my eye, if you will. Almost as if it had taken a break. I could only imagine it leaning against the railing and laughing to itself, “today was easy. She did most of the work.” I began to get frustrated. “Where is He?” I thought. “He is here too. Why can’t I feel Him?”
I take a deep breath.”Jesus.” It came out like a whisper. Eyes closed. Emotions drained. The softest of prayers.
His response is radiant. Immediately it is gone. It could not stay. Not after the power of His name was enforced. The peace of His presence overwhelms me and humbles me. “Forgive me Father. I have been away all day.” “My darling, I was here. While you washed the dishes and looked after the children. I washed you clean and took care of you. Moment by moment. I was there. Your heart drifted towards me only for this world to pull it away. Stay close, little one. The world is scary without me near. “I walk up the rest of the stairs, drop the clutter onto the ground, and curl up into my bed. It is moments like these I wish He was tangible. I know I would just snuggle into His large arms while He tightly pulled me into His chest. I would fall asleep in this peaceful moment. In Heaven I will have this joy, but for now I just imagine. I remember that tomorrow I will awaken and try again. Attempting to cling to Christ more than to this Earth. That HE is my awaiting treasure.
- Sarah (:
HAPPY JULY HOMIES!!
This is a shock… JULY?! Really?!?!
With July comes weeks filled with these things:
The joys of starting my Whole30 plan. Which means the joy of shopping at Whole Foods
The joy [and shock] of realizing more then half of 2012 is over
The joy of cooking my favorite dish for the kiddies
The joy [and tears] that come from watching this little one at her recital
The joy of long conversations on the phone with good friends
The joy of finding this photo in the Smithsonian Photo Gallery
The joy of standing in the presence of this memorial [again] and thanking the LORD for what it stands for
And the joy of being thankful for the people who serve our country on this upcoming holiday.
Enjoy the fireworks, good food, and family.
Happy 4th everybody!
- Sarah (: